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a collection of lost hope

by Caitlin Connelly

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1.
“will you come and bathe with me to settle your unrest?” you asked me from the other side of the door to the closet. “i don’t think so... ok, i’ll let you know.” “can you help me remember what loving you is like?” you asked me in a tender voice standing by the fireside. “i sure hope so, i don’t want to let you go...” i sat out in the freezing cold, i don’t belong inside -- you told me you would let me in if there’s nothing left to hide, “i don’t think so... ok, i’ll let you know.” i packed my bags and left you, but you stopped me on my way you said, “if this is everything, then, please, why don’t you stay?” “because i know if i stay, i’d let you go... because i know if i stay, i’d let you go.”
2.
don’t you think this quiet hurts? body’s on the carpet, curled folded like a dollar bill that doesn’t know its worth -- i’m not enough don’t you think it’s hard for me? loving unrequitedly? you forget the tenderness that you’ve shown my body now i’m unmarked land weeping like a willow tree in a house where you once were i’m a bent-up suffragette and you’re just memories that i’m here to forget i am insignificant and you’re someone who’s free no there’s not much left you know that our future lies in these achey lullabies we’ll come together like we had, to sing about goodbyes in the year i’m thirty-five spinning wind on burning fire in a field as green as new, you’ll remember that you’re mine
3.
what’s the average cost of something precious that we’ve lost? it takes us years to even wager half a guess so, you went north and i drove south to live in someone else’s house and you found grace in her and words she said and time becomes the distance that slips gradually between the last ten years that we have seen and what we see now and silence is resistance to the path that we have made that circles back and ‘round again and we can’t step out so, instead, step down try to be like Townes and find some ease in this while we wait around have i any sense or is it lack of self-respect to love you even when your best is barely good? stumbling on, i went to find the kindest accident so i could find myself in him in other ways, i couldn’t and no one should imagine what it’s like to harmonize with your ruthless tell-all lines that bury me ‘cause kindness, when you had it, went so gently to your muse with her soft nature and views of purity it’s humbling it’s an awkward thing to be at the bottom of everything if this is what’s been meant for me, then i accept with clarity the Fates are workin’ hard to keep us bound i’ve paid my dues, my karma’s free to cycle on with certainty that better things are gonna come around so, Heaven, if you’ll have us we would like to stay with you and play blissfully in tune with what you weave and we’ll believe in sadness as a necessary tool not a fundamental rule in finding peace
4.
paint box 04:41
paint me from memory so that i know i’m on your mind lose me again and again ‘til i’m the only thing you find and write me in books ‘til the pages are full so you read me in every line ‘cause, oh, birds on a wing like us are too quick to love anything and see it through so i’ll take my time with you i’ll wait for poetry before i speak to you in song ‘cause you gave me music in frailty and i don’t want to get this wrong so if art needs a space to write beauty from pain then i’ll let this linger on ‘cause, home is only good when misery’s sung in chorus and verse and not as the truth so we can lose ourselves like lovers do are we losing ourselves?

credits

released March 31, 2019

all songs written by Caitlin Connelly
performed by Caitlin Connelly & Brandon Johnas
mixed and mastered by Brandon Johnas

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Caitlin Connelly Banff, Alberta

Caitlin Connelly is a Rocky Mountain artist rooted in evergreen-fresh folk and small-town splendour. Inspired by canyons, caves, and excruciating break-ups, she uses thoughtfully-woven vocal melodies and fingerpicking to honestly channel emotion-filled experiences into mindful art. She is notoriously nomadic and credits motion as one of the most influential anchors in her mercurial lifestyle. ... more

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